The Plight of the Submissive
Ty Wolfe © 2001

**Disclaimer: The views expressed in this essay are mine. I am by no means an expert. Some may agree or disagree with what I have to say, and that is fine, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. These just happen to be mine.

I wanted to sit down and talk today about a topic that I personally have seen only a few touch on, and that many submissives and perhaps Dominants have thought of and are either afraid to talk about it, or just don’t see it as a biggie. I’ve sat and had a couple of conversations with friends, and there are some things that always seem to pop up. Number one: “Am I really submissive without a Master? “What do I do with my submissiveness when its not in use” and Number two: “Is it really a gift of submission?”Can I be submissive w/o a Dominant?
Survey says.....yes
How could we not be? For most, perhaps even those who consider themselves bedroom submissives, this is what we are through and through, submissive, right? It is something that is felt deeply, this need to submit. I’m famous for saying a submissive is not only what I am, but it is who I am as well. Sure, we feel that all these feelings and emotions are justified when we actually do submit to a Dominant, no matter the way in which we choose to do so. It’s supposed to be so much more than that. Or so we say. For me, since I can really only speak for myself, its much more than that. I was feeling this way before I even knew what a Dominant was, heck, before I even knew what a submissive was. I just knew I wanted to please and to make others happy, not at the expense of my own mind you, something I later learned. It felt good knowing I was pleasing to the people I cared about. It was a mental process, not centered in the physical (duh), because I had no idea, number one what I was feeling, and number two what sex really was. All I knew was that I was making people happy, and I felt all warm and giddy. Okay so I knew I wasn’t like the “other girls”, but give me a break eh? My point is simply that long before there is a Dominant in the picture, this is what we are feeling and needing. Someone can spank me if I’m wrong, hey, if I’m right too.I don’t profess to be some expert, but I’m just speaking on the issues that I’ve faced and that those I’m grateful to call friends have as well.
What Do I Do With My Submissiveness When It’s Not in Use?Is it ever not in use? Or have we just been “brainwashed” to coin a phrase, into believing that when we aren’t serving/servicing that we aren’t a submissive? Personally, I think that this is very damaging to the already fragile esteem of a submissive. There is the ultimate feeling of failure, disappointment, and frustration that is felt when we are without a Dominant or when our skills aren’t being utilized. The fact of the matter is, we are submissive in all that we do. No, that doesn’t mean that I won’t defend myself if you disrespect me in my day to day happenings. I think a friend of mine said it best when she said, “We are submissive in all we do, through our kindness to others, our patience, and respect we are submissive..” See it never stops; it’s impossible unless we stagnate ourselves. This lifestyle, our lives in general is a never ending learning process. I firmly believe that through studying more, by striving to better ourselves, mentally and physically, taking classes in something that you enjoy and appreciate, when it comes time to be with that One, whom ever they may be, not only will we reap the benefits, but so will our Partners. We are one half of the formula for mutual and beneficial growth as a couple. Be all that you can be (no I’m not plugging the army), because I will guarantee that that pride and approval that you will see in not only in a Dominant’s eyes, but in the eyes staring back at you from the mirror will be well worth it. Which brings me to the last but certainly not least, question of the day...Is It Really a Gift of Submission?

Yes and mostly no. Yes, because you aren't trying to hide who and what you are. You are moving past the social stigmas attached to being a submissive and allowing that part of yourself to blossom and grow in the nurturing of self love. It's a gift in that aspect. It is not something that should be seen as a means to "ass the pedestal". Very often you see submissives, mostly online, speaking of how I hold on to this gift waiting until the One who is most worthy, and in the mean while a unicorn trots through and the little elves skip happily by "la la la-ing" all the while. I'm not saying it's not okay to wait for the right one, what I'm saying is that in labeling submission a "gift" it comes off as saying that Dominants owe us something. Last time I checked, D/s was about power EXCHANGE. For most I'd think that submission is a natural occurrence, I know that it is for me. No, I won't submit to every Dominant I meet, in that aspect I will only do so to those that have earned my respect and that I trust. It's about give and take and knowing when which is appropriate. It's about trust and mutual respect. I say the same in respect to the Dominants who feel they "deserve" unearned respect or special privileges for being a Dominant. Let the gift be the gift of compromise, the gift of understanding, the gift of a true exchange. While you are still Dominant and submissive w/o actually acting it, Dominance and submission go hand in hand, neither can exist without the other, Do not be stuck alone with your "gift" and a pretty pedestal, I guarantee when it comes time to "de-ass" that pedestal, the fall will not be pretty at all..