2003 Advice Column

June 2003
"Dear Dark Connections,
How does a novice sub pick up the pieces after being lied to and misled by an experienced Dom?"
Signed,
"broken trust sub"

Scourge:
Hmm.. experienced in taking advantage of hapless subs perhaps? This seems to be happening with much more frequency; most likely the result of the rising popularity of BDSM on the internet.
It is woefully easy for an inexperienced submissive to fall prey to a predator. I've come across countless "wannabee" Doms and subs with little or no understanding of BDSM. The best defense against these pretenders is to know whom you are dealing with. An experienced Dom will have had prior dealings with submissives-a track record, so to speak. Ask others in the lifestyle. If you get negative information, you need to confront the "Dom" in question. Most "real" Doms have nothing to hide. Also be leery of people who try to Dom you from the beginning without knowing your likes and dislikes. If He/she demands any type of tribute (financial,sexual or otherwise), back away and don't deal with this individual. Also, any Dom who tells you not to communicate with his previous subs and/or others in the lifestyle, probably has something to hide. It is hard, I admit, to search for a Dom of substance, but we do exist. Follow your instincts. If you are hesitant or uncomfortable, A Dom will understand and help you through it. He wants to know-make that HAS to know- what makes you tick. This requires asking all sorts of mundane and non-Domly types of questions. There is no place for power exchange within the process of getting to know someone. It should always remain firmly entrenched in the realm of vanilla.

Traits a Good Dom Should Possess:
He should be a wealth of information for any prospective sub new to BDSM.
He is never secretive about his past relationships.
He encourages questions about his experience ( what Dom doesn't enjoy the opportunity to talk about Himself?).
He respects your limits, even imposing some Himself if he feels you lack understanding.

Lastly, don't be afraid to reach out to the community! I have mentored both Doms and subs and my email door is always open! Scourge

coffee: Any time you are hurt in a relationship it will take time for you to put the pieces back together and move on. Healing can not be rushed. Although i know you are seeking comfort, the worst thing you can do is rush blindly into the arms of another Dom. Seek solace from your friends, family or religion. A new exercise and diet program will help improve your physical AND mental health. You might also benefit from the many self-help books you can borrow from your local library. Most importantly, examine the reasons why you allowed yourself to be taken advantage of and learn from your mistakes. Once you have finished healing and are ready to start looking for a new Dom please follow Scourge's sound advice.

May 2003
"Dear Dark Connections,
What do you do when you're a Dom/me and your best friend is a Dom/me and you both are interested in the same submissive, but the submissive is leaning towards you? Do you step back and let the friend pursue the submissive, so you don't step on any toes, so to speak? Do you continue to pursue the submissive, even though you know your friend has feelings for the submissive? Do you sit down with the other Dom/me and explain the situation and agree that both can pursue the submissive and whomever wins there will be no hard feelings? Is there any protocol for this type of situation in the lifestyle?
Signed,
"Anonymous"

Scourge: You didn't mention who met whom first. Nevertheless, the situation should have been handled just like any other vanilla dilemma. The submissive in question should have been up front and forthcoming about seeing the both of you. Now that feelings are involved, you should speak frankly to your friend about the situation. There is no reason to be coy about matters of the heart. If their reaction is negative, so be it. Personally, I think the sub should be throttled unmercifully for "trolling for Dommes". If he/she is truly a friend, you can both easily overcome this unpleasant situation. If not, as they say.." let the doorknob hit you..."

coffee:Why jeopardize a good friendship over something that might just be a fleeting romance? i have always been wary of protocol because every relationship is different and you should make your decisions based on your own situation. i do think your best friend's feelings should be more important to you than a submissive you just met and i would suggest you be honest with your friend about the situation and work towards a decision that you can both live with. i rather not deal with a submissive who wants to play the field, especially with two Dom/mes who know each other. i think the winner would be the one who walks away from this unhurt.

April 2003
"Dear Dark Connections,
I have been hurt by every person I have loved. I am not sure if I can ever trust another person again and I can't even fathom the idea of letting them into my soul. Will I ever be able to trust again, and if so how do I allow myself to open up?"
Signed,
"Burned Soul"

Scourge:
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Everyone has been hurt or has had their trust betrayed I think.The key is in understanding that you are not to blame nor is it wrong on your part to open yourself to the one you love. I'm sure you will be able to trust again as few things are more enduring than the human heart.

coffee:
The BDSM lifestyle is one that requires a great deal of trust among partners, so this must be especially difficult for you. There are plenty of people out there worthy of your love, but first you need to learn how to identify which ones are right for you. Examine the people in your life that you feel are the most trustworthy. Make note of the qualities they display and look for those same qualities in your future partner. You should also take a good look at the people who have hurt you in the past and find the character traits they all have in common so you'll know who to avoid. When you meet somebody new, take small steps and never give more of yourself emotionally than you are able to handle.

March 2003
"Dear Dark Connections,
I Have a very disobedient sub. He makes up excuses as to why he can't perform certain tasks. When told to do something online, he says "someone is at the door" or " my son is coming over" or some other excuse. I need to know how to make this sub feel comfortable in carrying out my commands.
Signed,
Mistress of St. Louis"

Scourge: You haven't made the nature of your relationship clear. Is it cyber only or r/t? The best way to garner trust is through consistency of action. If your consistency is not in question, then his desire to serve must be. I detest "fair weather subs". Submission means little if it is given only when it is convenient to do so.

coffee: Your sub should get great satisfaction out of serving and obeying you. Is it possible the tasks you are asking him to perform are beyond his limits? If you have already negotiated limits and your commands are still not being obeyed then it would appear he is not really sincere in his desire to serve you.

February 2003
"Dear Dark Connections,
My Dom won't allow me to use safewords and i'm worried i might get seriously hurt without them. What should i do?
Signed,
Anxious sub in Atlanta"

Scourge: You should flee...
Apparently you have little faith in this Dom. Yes, yes you've heard it a thousand times already."Safe, sane, consensual"... If there is no trust, or you simply haven't learned much about him, then a safeword is mandatory. If you don't feel safe, there isn't any way around it, don't play with him if he cannot respect your desires. I don't use safewords with coffee because I can read her in other ways. It is relatively easy for me to gauge where she is at mentally at any given time during our play.

coffee: There are many Doms who feel they know their subs well enough that safewords are not necessary. If you feel more comfortable using a safeword, i would suggest you approach your Dom respectfully and ask to renegotiate your limits together. Most Doms would not have a problem honoring such a request. If he refuses to even discuss the matter, then you may need to think about whether your relationship is a healthy one.