Cliques: Barriers to an Open BDSM Community
Resa de Milo © 2003

When I first started researching what draw the BDSM Community had for me, I found a great wealth of knowledge on the internet. There are countless sources of text available that give many tips, warnings, and visions into the very intimate world of BDSM. One of the key views these sources share is that everyone has their own path and that everyone must do what is right for them.

Unfortunately, text can only inform a person of a view. It can not be asked questions. It can not be watched and observed as a model. It can not SHOW a novice how the community is. For all the wealth of knowledge text does give, it can only TELL what there is and at some point a novice needs to be shown.

This is where the real life BDSM Community becomes the ultimate step for the Novice or any other person. They come to the active community to learn and confirm all that they have read and all that they could never gain from reading. This is where, I feel true interactive learning begins, but where it is often hobbled by the existence of cliques.

I will agree that cliques are very natural elements in any social structure be it human or another specie. For one, we know this because there have been many studies of pack/herd behavior across many animals confirming this. So it is rational that humans, also of the animal kingdom, would have tendencies towards sectioning off into groups. We see this even outside of the BDSM community with religion, nationalities and cultures.

For the BDSM community as well as in nature, there is the saying of "safety in numbers." And this is one of the most powerful defenses and good causes for cliques. However, what I have noticed - during my brief time in the community - is the strong tendency for those in cliques to urge outsiders, novices and others, to conform entirely to their beliefs and behaviors in order to be truly accepted.

I grew up with the influence of my great grand parents. Being African Americans in a time of great hatred and oppression, they managed to survive without giving up their integrity. I think if people all went along with the popular opinion that time, then my generation of African Americans for example would still be riding the back of the bus, drinking out of the colored fountains and living in an outright segregated Nation.

That is just one of my reasons why everyday I try to stay true to what is important in my heart. Because while change at times is necessary, one also needs to remember that not everything is meant for change. That is to say if a person changes himself to meet the qualifications of everyone they seek acceptance from, I feel this person will lose sight of himself and become nothing more than a chameleon.

Having been a very individualistic person all my life, I have come across many times where others in groups have tried to convince me why my ways are wrong. They try to tell me that I limit myself and that I will end up always lonely because of my ideals. But then, I feel a person can always be lonely in a crowd if they truly do not belong.

My point is that we have this great community where we - for the most part - are not understood by the world at large. We know what it feels when our vanilla friends and families shake their heads thinking, we are insane or they condemn us as being some form of heretics in their eyes. Yet, our BDSM cliques turn around and do similar things to others in the community that are different from them even if these others also share the same essential desire for something beyond the vanilla world.

Is it fair for us to ask the vanilla world to accept us and turn around and demand even coerce others in our BDSM world to do as we do or be ignored? I personally have to say no. While I am monogamous and desire a true 24/7 Master/slave life and - one day - marriage, I have had many shake their heads at me thinking I am pompous, arrogant and a fool to wait for something so rare and unlikely. But I know in my heart as do others in the community who follow their dreams, one can never find contentment if they always give up on their dreams. One compromise today is lost opportunity tomorrow.

While I believe grouping off in the BDSM community is good for bringing people with specific shared interests together, I strongly feel that we in the community must support others as they are and share our beliefs and ways always attempting to be mindful not to press our ways upon others. Ours is a special community that is looked upon with high scrutiny from outsiders, so I think we owe it to ourselves and our community not to close off others because of differences but to enjoy, support and encourage the variety that flows so freely in our Kink friendly world.