The "Joy and Pain" of reading vanilla articles

While it's refreshing to see the black bdsm community written about in a black mainstream publication, and we appreciate having our website mentioned, we wish the author would have actually contacted us before publishing misleading information about our group and our lifestyle.

Notes from Dark Connections: The "D/S" in BDSM also represents "Dominance/submission" which is a very important aspect of BDSM which should not have been left out.

Notes from Dark Connections: Dark Connections does not hold annual conventions at Hedonism II. We visited Hedo once for a collaring ceremony and there were only about 30 of us. Black BEAT is the only black BDSM organization that holds an annual convention which hundreds of lifestylers attend. It is held in Maryland every fall. We were frankly surprised that no mention was made of their organization in this article. For more information visit blackbeatinc.org. BDSM did not begin with Marquis de Sade. The term "sadism" was derived from Marquis de Sade's name, but BDSM was being practiced long before De Sade was born. People involved in this lifestyle do not always adhere to "defined roles" or practices. There are some participants who do not engage in any form of play involving pain, or bondage. There are some who only enjoy one particular fetish, or who are bondage enthusiasts yet don't consider themselves tops or bottoms. Some people only enjoy service-oriented submission, etc. "Getting off is mandatory" is a misleading quote because it implies a sexual aspect must be fulfilled in order for people to enjoy the lifestyle which is definitely not true for everybody.

Notes from Dark Connections: The author would have done better to contact a kink-friendly psychologist (or one of the many black lifestylers who are in employed in the mental heath industry) for this article. Dr. Jeff's quote about lifestylers having "skewed ideas about sexuality" and "emotional conflicts" is not only offensive, but it's a sweeping generalization about a community he obviously knows nothing about. We don't like you Dr. Jeff, and we are quite sure that if we examined some of your intimate activities long and hard enough we could probably find ways to call you a sexual deviant also. Point being, who are you to tell us what is and isn't "normal" intimate behavior between two consenting adults? We have to disagree with Mistress L's quote on Domme potential as well. Being in control in the workplace or of your own household really holds no bearing on whether you would make a good Dominant or not. In fact, many people who have dominant roles at work enjoy being submissive in the bdsm lifestyle because it finally allows them the opportunity to surrender control. Being a good Dominant does not mean you "put yourself first" in every situation (wrong again Dr. Jeff). The care and well-being of the submissive is just as important as the Dominant's. Selfishness really has no role in the lifestyle, because if both parties are not satisfied then the relationship is not going to work. We'd expect a "relationship specialist" to have a firmer grasp on that concept. The author fails to distinguish between pay-for-play bdsm and regular lifestylers. We wish she had done more research instead of relying solely on professional Dommes and a vanilla relationship specialists who thinks he understands kink.

Notes from Dark Connections: Tom's quote about giving up power and then taking it back would only work if he was playing with another switch. It's possible he was trying to describe the balance of "power exchange" which would have definitely been a good addition to this article. Also please note that not all male black submissives go into "bitch mode" when they submit. The article was somewhat informative, yet left several gaping holes of unanswered questions. If most of the people reading this magazine are black women, we are left wondering why there were no quotes from black female submissives, and why weren't any strong, black male Dominants interviewed? Too edgy for Jewel maybe? It's possible mainstream media really isn't ready to explore the lifestyle beyond their own preconceived notions and the sexual sensationalism portrayed by Hollywood, but I guess we should be happy they are at least trying.