Dark Connections Featured Member

Name: Ty

Age: 23 years old this month.

Orientation: Submissive

Marital status: Single

Do you currently have a dom or play partner: No

Occupation: Marketing Research/Development.

How and when did you become interested in the BDSM lifestyle?
Cliché as it may sound, I think I've always been submissive to a certain degree. At the age of 16, not really knowing what BDSM was, my then long term boyfriend and I experimented with spankings, light bondage, and a low key power exchange. Where did we get it from? Perhaps from too much sneaking and watching Real Sex on HBO, or watching 9 1/2 weeks while my mother thought I was sleeping on the foot of her bed. I can remember thinking, "wow, I'd really like to do something like that". He was the first person that I felt comfortable even expressing that part of myself with, and who actually wanted to try some things out. It wasn't until college, and meeting a very nice older gentleman, that I truly gained an understanding of what BDSM was and wasn't all about. He would talk to me candidly, let me ask all types of questions. He introduced me to service, and what it meant to truly serve another human being because of the joy it brings not only them, but me also. We played privately, and he introduced me to some of his kinky friends. I guess you could say, that is where my journey began and continues today.

To what do you attribute the recent upsurge in BDSM related groups, forums and activities?
I attribute the recent upsurge in BDSM related groups, forums and activities to two things: the internet and to people's willingness to help educate those that are new to the lifestyle. The internet has probably become the easiest way for people to learn about BDSM, it provides anonymity and a safe environment for people to ask the questions they otherwise would have been ashamed to ask. For some, the net acts as an extension to real life. Provides places for people involved in the Community to commune, and share information. It also opens up the door for people who have the experience and knowledge to share it with a newcomer, and to perhaps help them with their transition from online to being active in a group in their area. I have met some truly wonderful people through forums like this one, who have taught me a lot not only about the lifestyle, but about life in general. There are so many people who are willing to take the time and talk to you nowadays, it truly is a beautiful thing. A lot of groups hold a number of educational forums, workshops, and demos to help educate not only the experienced but the new. Education is the key, in my opinion, and I think that we all have something to learn. It's an ongoing process. Like everything in life, there are good points and bad points to the net. But I like to focus on the positive. I think more groups are popping up, because more people are comfortable with "coming out" now. They know that they aren't alone, and that "hey, maybe this is okay, and I'm not a complete sicko.." Granted, BDSM is very mainstream right now, and it may be the "in thing" to do, but I believe that those who are seriously involved will pass on the torch, and keep forums like this, and groups/organizations thriving.

What is your advice on how to make a long term relationship successful?
I think the best advice that I could offer, is open and honest communication. Things may not always go as we planned or how we want them to, but I have a great belief that if you and your partner and maintain an open line of communication that you can work through anything. Be there for each other, always. Even if you can't physically be together all the time, one can do little things to let their partner know they are there and support them.

What is your favorite toy?

My favorite toy, other than the human mind ( oh the things one with a twisted imagination can come up with!) Well, that's easy, I'm a flogger slut, always have been probably always will be! I love them because they are such a diverse and beautiful toy. They are just like Baskin Robbins, you get 36 different flavors. If I want a nice sting, a warm deep thud, or something that is painfully sweet, I'm guaranteed to find a flogger to suite my needs.

How do you define "pushing limits"?
Pushing limits to me, is being taken to the edge of what I can take, and then slowly being pushed a little bit further. For me, this of course applies to soft limits only, and I think that pushing a submissive's limits helps to promote a healthy growth. Change is constant and is not always a bad thing. I think it also gives a submissive confidence and enables him/her to feel pride in themselves, because of what they were able to achieve through the loving guidance of their Dominant and their own ability to keep an open mind and try something new and different.

You are in the process of creating a new bdsm web site. What goals do you hope to achieve with your site?
Well, my site has become a labor of love. Something that I had decided months ago to create for myself, as an outlet for my creativity and love of the life that I've chosen to live. I hope to provide my visitors a peek into the life of a black submissive woman, and also I hope that I can convey to them, that we are just normal people who lead normal lives. We just have more fun than others at times, hehe. Eventually I hope to promote my writing, and web and graphic design. But also, I hope to add to the short list of sites, that offer resources and praise of sites, organizations, and individuals that support people of color in the Community. That is something that is really important to me, and I know how I felt when I first started out. It's time to say it's okay to "do what we do", add more color to the Community. It's a beautiful thing!

(Update: Ty's site launched May 2003. Home page: www.darqueandlight.com; Of Merit - Resources for People of Color: www.darqueandlight.com/entrance.html )

How does being a minority affect your lifestyle as a submissive?
I think initially I felt the need to prove myself constantly. I never knew of any other black submissives for a long time, and it seemed that some that I crossed paths with were under the impression that because I was a Black woman that I couldn't be submissive. Or they would wonder, with the history of slavery, why I would want to be a part of this lifestyle. I had to prove that I wasn't a novelty, and that I would NOT be treated as such because I didn't look like everyone else at a function or in a group. I'm more weary of Dominants who come to me saying they have always been curious about Black women, it's not flattering, it's kind of offensive. Now, there isn't a need to prove myself. I realized that I can't change the way that people think or feel. I can say that it has made me stronger, and made me love myself more. I can only hope that people who I come in contact with will be offered a different perspective.

What are the most important qualities a submissive can have and what, if anything, do you need to work on to better yourself?
In my humble opinion, the most important qualities a submissives can have are compassion, humility, self respect, a healthy dose of pride, self confidence, sincerity, honor, and most importantly patience. There are of course probably more than can be listed and that should go without saying. I think that these are the core qualities that most, but not all submissive men and women possess. Submissives should know their own worth, and that is something that definitely shines through, and that I think most Dominants admire. It doesn't mean that he/she is vain, I think it shows that they have a healthy mental and emotional outlook. As the saying goes, we show others how to treat us. I think that the two things that I think that I need to work on to better myself, Daddy may agree or disagree, are my self confidence and patience. I can honestly say that I've come a long way, that my self confidence gets better with each day. Some days are better than others. Daddy does so much, even from a distance to empower me, and to help me to empower myself. As far as patience goes, I've come to learn that all good things come in time and when they are supposed to, not when you want them to. It is a never ending journey, either you stay on the path, or you get off it. We all have a choice, and that is the beauty of life.