Dark Connections Featured Member

Name: Honeyjar aka roxy_jewels

Age: 47, will turn 48 this month on November 29!

Orientation: Started out in the lifestyle as a switch that preferred to bottom, and now have become a submissive.

Marital status: Single, never been married, never had kids.

Do you currently have a Dom or play partner: Yes and no. Actually, my heart belongs to a particular Dominant whose identity must remain a secret for now. Additionally, on May 8th, 2005, after years of friendship, i went under the Protection of Lord Dru, The Darklion. It is my fondest desire for my "Heart" to collar me, hopefully in the near future. As my protector, occasionally Lord Dru and i are play partners. Since the Protectorship is not the same as Ownership, technically, Lord Dru is not my Dom. And since my "Heart" has not collared me yet, technically He is not my Dom either. So that is why i say yes and no -- unofficially i have two Doms in my life, but officially i have none. (Hope that is not too confusing.)

Occupation: Secretary (LOL, also my favorite movie, LOL)

So what is Pony Play anyway?
Pony play is a combination of different aspects of BDSM. It is a large part role play as you "become" a pony. Some aspects of Bondage and Discipline can be involved, and some aspects of Dominance and submission can be involved, and some aspects of Sadism and Masochism can be involved. It is not required that all three be included. There can be any combination of those aspects. A pony can be bound (have reigns, be bound to a cart, be tied to a stall, etc,) or they can run free. They can be disciplined -- physically or not (given treats as rewards, etc.). There can be a Dominant/submissive power exchange between the parties, or they can be equals where one is role-playing as an animal and one as a handler. There can be Sadistic and Masochistic behavior such as humiliation or the use of impact play etc. from the SM world, or it can be totally painless -- emotionally and physically. It is up to the participants to decide. I do consider it to be a part of my BDSM Lifestyle, but some may disagree.

What are the three basic types of ponies?
The three basic types of ponies are: Show Pony, Riding Pony (subdivided into English and Western, based on the saddle and riding style and also into 2-legged vs. 4-legged) and Cart Pony. i started out as a Cart Pony because when i started, i was not physically capable of being a Riding Pony due to health problems with my knees and back due to being overweight, neither was i capable (or at least not confident) of being a Show Pony due to being overweight. Show Ponies have to be able to run, gallop, trot, perform Dressage Moves such as jumping and dancing. Just about anyone can be a Cart pony.

What is the difference between a groom, a master, and a trainer?
A Master and a Trainer may be the same person or there may be one master and another trainer. a Master indicates that the person is the owner of the pony, and a Trainer is the person that actually trains the pony to do the moves (for a Show Pony) and usually performs with the pony, whereas the master may or may not perform. a Groomer's sole responsibility is to groom the pony which may involve helping the pony get into their gear/costume, leading them to the trainer and/or master, and caring for the pony after a show or training session. A Master may also Groom their own pony, and a Trainer may also be a Groomer. So it may be three different people, two people sharing the roles, or one person may perform all three roles.

Is it true that Pony Masters never abuse their ponies?
I would like to say that is true, but there may be Masters out there that abuse their ponies, just like there may be Dominants out there that abuse their subs. It is based on the individual character of the Master. For the most part, Masters treat their ponies as prized possessions, just like real owners treat their horses. Often couples that participate in pony play are established couples in loving D/s relationships, so they treat their ponies very well.

How does one punish a naughty pony, and what kind of aftercare does a pony get?
Punishment of a pony can be as varied as punishment of a submissive. It can be corporal or non-corporal. Usually, real ponies are punished with whips and crops, but for a "human pony" that is a masochist, that may be considered a reward instead of a punishment. So if one keeps true to the generic belief of making punishment "something that is unpleasant for both the Top and the bottom (or Master and slave, or Dom and sub)", then corporal punishment may not be the best method. One may have to resort to the denial of a pleasantry (withholding treats or attention) or making them perform tasks they don't want to perform (perhaps a show pony is made to pull a heavy wagon, or something to that effect), or keeping them locked up in the barn when they yearn to run outside. Aftercare can be similar to what is done for a regular BDSM scene, or it can be quite different. It often depends on what the pony play involves. If it is a personal training session, or if an already trained pony has just participated in a regular riding scene, the aftercare may just involve bringing the pony back to the paddock, drying them off (you don't want to put your pony away wet). It may involve watering and feeding them. Or if a part of the scene involves rough treatment (consensual of course) maybe the pony wants to be "rode hard and put away wet". Aftercare may just mean, releasing some of the bondage elements, taking the pony to a place they can rest, removing their saddle, putting a blanket over them. Maybe the aftercare involves "breeding" activity. (smile). The aftercare can be performed by the Groomer, the Trainer or the Master -- or any combination.  If the play involved an equestrian show at a "public" event, aftercare may be provided by the audience, being put on display while the judging goes on in what is called "Pet the Pony" time. Actually, that is how i got into pony play. i was at an Equestrian event at a Black Rose conference, and was intrigued. i watched as a pre-arranged, negotiated mini-scene went on during "Pet the Pony" time. The pony was a bisexual female and the pony's Master had arranged for a Domme to come and literally "pet the pony". As i watched the Domme masturbate the pony girl to the point that she almost came out of role, i became extremely excited, and have been fascinated with pony play ever since!

Since most ponies have bitgags in their mouths it's impossible to use a safeword. How does the Trainer know when there is a problem with the pony?
That should be negotiated beforehand. It may be a physical signal, such as stomping a "hoof" a prescribed number of times, or at all. Perhaps the stomping of the left hoof is like a "slow word", and the stomping of the right foot is the "safe word". Or perhaps shaking the head no is a slow or safe word signal. I like to think that slow words and safe words are not as needed in this type of play, but i always keep in mind that if i need to , i can just release my bit gag and use my regular safeword. (Note: a bit gag should be comfortable, and not be so tight that the pony cannot speak around it or release it) That should be an indicator that something is wrong because i have to come out of role to speak, so my Master/ Trainer/ Groomer should know that if i am out of role, they need to check with me or end the scene.

i consider that a disadvantage of pony play. In a regular scene, a slow word does not end the scene, but indicates some adjustment needs to be made (cuffs adjusted) or something is too intense and the Top needs to check in, or slow down. Once that is addressed, play can continue and perhaps the sub/bottom can go right back into the mindset they were in before. But a safe word in a regular scene indicates all needs to stop immediately. Well in a pony play situation, it is very difficult to come out of role to communicate and then go directly back into role, so in a way, the "slow word" option is removed, and you only have the choice to carry on with the scene, or end it. That is why i think negotiation and communication before the scene becomes even more important in pony play than in a regular scene.

What are the first steps a novice should take when entering the pony play community?
I believe a novice should check things out as much as possible before doing anything. Some good ways to do so are research on the internet (a great site is www.equuseroticus.com which has links to other sites) or reading. I would recommend Equus Eroticus magazine. One of the pictures i posted on the Dark Connections site is from that magazine. Perhaps the best way is by attending an equestrian event, which are usually either held for special pony events, (there should be info on those on the internet) or at events that feature a lot of outdoor activities. Some local examples of those types of events are Camp Crucible or Leather Retreat. Those type of events often include substantial pony play activities. As i said above, my interest in pony play grew out of observing an Equestrian Event at a Black Rose Conference. My first real pony experience came later, when i attended Leather Retreat 2001. The cabin i stayed in was very close to what was called "Pony Camp", a circle of cabins mainly inhabited by Pony Play enthusiasts) and i wandered over and was introduced to Mistress Lalique, who quickly loaned me some gear so I could begin my exploration. She loaned me a bit gag, headgear and a tail on a belt. She also gave me a brief introduction to wearing the bit. i fondly remember her telling me "Now you are going to drool, but that is okay, all new ponies drool!" i felt special instead of being embarrassed. While i was at Leather Retreat, i got to participate in an excellent class called "Ponyism". The Ponyism class helped novices and even those already involved to "discover their inner pony".

Ponyism basically involves observing horses and ponies and using what we learn to create our own pony persona. We were encouraged to observe horses at every opportunity, or to rent movies (fiction or drama) with horses in them. We learned how to make horse sounds, and mimic horse movements. We looked through books to find the breed of horse we wanted to pattern ourselves after. Based on my attendance of that class, i entered myself in the Equestrian Show scheduled for the next day. Even though this was my first event, i won two Ribbons!!! One three way tie for Best Whinny and a Second Prize ribbon for Horsemanship (awarded to my then boyfriend/top, but really mine, since i showed him how to guide me.) To this day, those ribbons are prize possessions of mine!

Honeyjar's photo in Equus Eroticus Magazine

Do believe it's possible for a switch to fully transition over to a sub or Dom/me, or will they always long to explore both their Dominance and submission?
Again, Yes, and No. Some can fully transition, some always seek to express both sides. Some are switch, but lean towards one or the other role. This is based on my belief that this lifestyle is fluid. It may stay stagnant, still, unchanging, or it may ebb and flow, change over time, be calm until a storm brews, and then be a tsunami! Personally, i believe i have fully transitioned from switch to submissive, based on my discovery over time that i got a great deal of pleasure from being a bottom and submissive, whereas the only pleasure i got from Topping was a slight feeling of pride at being skilled, and perhaps some recognition from the person i Topped. I looked into becoming a Professional Top/Domme, with solely the monetary benefits in mind, but i never went into it. However, since i have learned the skills of a Top, if directed by my Dom to Top someone, i believe i could do that, but it would be a part of my submission. Instead, as time passed, i found more and more pleasure from bottoming, and began to discover the joys of not just bottoming, but being a submissive, exploring service as a new thrilling aspect of my life. One day i hope to be in a relationship where i can go beyond being a submissive to take the next step further and become slave to my Master -- my One. But this is something that i believe must happen over time. As a matter of fact, i am currently enrolled in The Pride Academy, a training academy for submissives. Even though i have been in this lifestyle since 1997, there is much that i need to learn, and i feel i can learn it from the Pride Academy. If anyone would like more information on The Pride Academy, feel free to contact me and i will put Y/you in touch with the proper party.

Last year you won the Black Rose Membership Service Award. Congratulations! What type of contribution did you make to the BDSM community in order to receive such an esteemed award?
I have been a volunteer at the Black Rose conferences every year i have attended, from 1998 through 2004, always doing the maximum number of hours of volunteer work -- plus! One year (2001) i was on the volunteer staff. Also, recently, i joined the Greeters Program with Black Rose, Greeting members and newcomers, helping break the ice, introducing people to one another and to the board members, sharing my knowledge of the organization, encouraging people to become members, and assisting in collecting the admission fee at the door of the lectures (used to defray the cost of using the meeting rooms at the hotel where the education program is held). I do this at the weekly lectures, board meetings, and at the monthly social events. It is fun work, but it is very demanding and does require a sacrifice of time.

Over the past year you've lost more than 105 pounds which is an amazing accomplishment! How did you do it?
I decided i needed to do something when it became a health issue for me. I was noticing i would awaken with badly swollen feet and ankles, and even calves! It was very difficult for me to move -- simply stepping up on a curb was a monumental task, i walked very slowly, and running seemed impossible. i would get winded going up just one flight of stairs. The straw that broke the camel's back so to speak, was that during an incredibly enjoyable love-making session, i began to feel that i could not breathe! i felt i was about to die!! This scared me into action. At the time, i was communicating with a very wise Dominant named Kenyatta. We talked about the incident, and my desire to lose weight. He was a BBW-lover, but had never encountered anyone as large as i was (388 pounds!) and He was concerned about my health, too. One of His first assignments to me was to tell me to write down my goals for weight loss, and the methodology that i proposed to achieve those goals and email them to Him. He reviewed my goals, and made some comments and additions to the plan. The key to my success was that Kenyatta told me to "make the task the Dom." He said, "Don't do this for Me just as a task you are doing for Me as your current Dom, because if our D/s relationship ends, the task of losing weight will end. If the task of losing weight is the Dom in and of itself, so to speak, then you will continue to answer to the task, to achieve the goals, whether we are in a D/s relationship or not." That was very very good advice. W/we started talking in June, i began the task in early July, and our relationship began to end near the end of July, but definitely was over by the time Black BEAT 2004 occurred. From Black BEAT O4 to Black BEAT 05, i had come down to 271 pounds! a total of 117 pounds lost in a year. Since then, after having some slight health problems that necessitated a change in my eating habits, i have gained a little and lost a little, with my weight at press time being 282, for a current total of 106 pounds. That is still a phenomenal loss, and i am not done! My goal is to reach 200 pounds within the next year, before Black BEAT 2006! I strongly believe i can do it.

Honeyjar at Black BEAT 04

What weight loss tips can you offer other lifestylers who might be struggling to slim down?
I cannot offer any "Magic Pill" remedy. I have done two basic things, change my activity level and change my eating habits. I have lost this weight not by any specific diet, but more so a lifestyle change. Now i have had occasion to follow different diets -- first one of my own design and then a commercial/ popular one, such as when i hit a plateau and went on the South Beach Diet for a while, and i am about to try the "Body Makeover" diet, but more importantly, it is a life-long change of attitude about how i eat. And in terms of activity, i have made a life-long change of attitude there, too. Whatever i can do that involves me getting exercise, i do. i walk as much as i can, walking wherever i can get to and leaving driving or riding for long distances.

Honeyjar today

I use the stairs (at least down) as often as possible. I get up and move around during the day at work. I started my exercise program by simply walking, three days a week, a minimum of 15 minutes per session. Then gradually i increased the amount of time per session, then i gradually increased the number of days to every day. Then when it became too cold for me to walk outside, i would go (by elevator) to the top floor of my 15-16 story apartment building and go from one end of each floor to the other, and then down the stairs. This was a good workout that could be tailored to different time limits. One end of the floor to the other then down the stairs one flight. Doing that for the whole building was about a 15 minute workout. Twice on each floor before descending the stairs was a half hour workout, and so on and so on up to an hour workout. I didn't go up the stairs, because at that time, it was still painful for my knees. Then in December 2004, i met another Dominant, named Mike, known as ForteSoulbiter. He took me under consideration and began helping me work out more, and eat even better. He tasked me to report what i ate to him every day, and i didn't dare cheat! Just knowing that he wouldn't want me to eat something prevented me from eating it. Also, he would take me on "work out" dates. He took me to the gym with him, not embarrassed by me, but actually helping me. i would ride the stationary bike while he jogged around a track. He helped me do some strength training exercises, too. He even went with me to swim, even though swimming was not one of his favorite activities. He was very supportive, and my weight loss began to increase dramatically. When we broke up at the end of March, we remained friends, and since the task was my Dom, i continued. So i can say i was greatly helped by these two Dominant Black Men, but the credit for doing this should really come mainly to me, and i don't believe either of them would fault me for saying this. So, i would offer other lifestylers these words of wisdom -- exercise, exercise, exercise, and change how you eat to a healthier, lower fat, lower carb, less "empty calorie", more fiber-rich, nutritious way of eating, and if you mess up a little bit, don't throw in the proverbial towel, just say oh well, and get right back to it!

Have there been any benefits to your BDSM lifestyle as a direct result of your weight loss?
Yes, it used to be that i could only play laying down (preferably on a piece of equipment called a "swinging table" which consists of a wooden table, solid or with slats that is suspended from heavy duty scaffolding by cables or chains, and is often used in suspension play) or on a massage table or other sturdy table. i can now play on more equipment and in more positions. i can play standing up say at a St. Andrews Cross, or hooked up to chains, i can play on a spanking bench with less pain on my knees. i am not much more active, because i had always been pretty active even as a bbw, but i do want to play more now, and play every chance i get.

Has being a submissive helped you with your fitness journey?
Yes, it has, in that i truly enjoy being under the influence and control of a Dominant, be it my "Heart", Sir Kenyatta, the "task-to-lose-weight" Dom, Sir Mike, or Lord Dru. i feel that my ability and determination to do whatever is required in order to achieve a goal which is a part of my submissive nature is very important to my success.