Dark Connections

JULY 2000

ISSUE #7

PURPOSE

To provide a Male Dominated source of influence, knowledge, protection and strength to those that aspire to be or choose to further their growth as a Black Dominant or submissive. Thereby strengthening the quality of our Nubian BDSM community and nurturing our D/s relationships.

Nubian Kings Discussion
&
Nubian Kings Social

Nubian Kings Room

An organized discussion held each...
Thursday evening, 9PM EST.
Formal rules of discussion etiquette are enforced.
SOCIAL
Sunday evening. 9PM EST.
Meet, Greet, play wavs and have sexy fun.

NubianKingsRoomRules

Each week we provide a set topic for discussion based on the suggestions and ideas of this community. Your comments, questions and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

These chats provide a great opportunity for each of us to develop, enhance and practice our D/s social graces in an educational environment.

LONELY AT THE TOP

Most of the time, the view from the Top is pretty scenic. From the Dominant position, you get to see a beautiful face, eyes shut or lowered in submissive rapture straining upward to lick the bottom of your boot or tool to be used at the moment. The delicate pink tongue or the sweet full lips yearning to touch their guide and North Star. The rear perspective of a perfect pair of butt cheeks upturned for the next stroke of the hand, flogger and paddle is lovely to behold as well. Slender or juicy arms confined, elbows touching. What could be more beautiful than the sight of a padlocked clicking thru the hasp of a sub's / slave's collar at the rear of the neck?

Such are the splendors of the Dominant Realm. Also remember, this is my opinion only. The properties of my existence in the Dominant realm however, are quite different from the fairy tales spun by Anne Rice and Pauline Reage, Pat Califia and AOL's own fantastic short story writer "Petsmyname" alias Desiree Thorn. After half a decade as a real time Dominant; some expertise huh (LOL), I give you my very real impression of the Topping experience.

I must honestly tell you as well, my appreciation of that experience began as submissive and grew to the Dom I want to become, strive to be, and think all should try and become. Continuously growing and learning. Crying for information, crawling to the facts and theory, walking to the Domme and Mentors, and hopefully maturing to become the best Dom that I can be. Showing what a Dom is .....

As the song says, it's lonely at the top. Whether you call yourself a Dominant, Top, Master, Mistress, Domme, Domina Lady or Lord. If you stay in the game long enough to get past the posing stage you'll find yourself learning as many lessons as you teach. A lot of those lessons will be about limits; yours and those of the others you play with. About 2 years back while attending one of those gatherings that we leather folk are so proud to attend, I attended a seminar on SM relationships. The Mediator and Director's assistant typically bright and very articulate, the panelist and audience members chewing over the topical issues were all very enlightening to me. All along integrating the role play with real life situations, reconciling the need for intimacy with the desire to see one's partner as a fantasy sex object, explaining the hoist in the living room or den to friends and family; you all know the day to day stuff...LOL.

As always, much attention was devoted to the well being of submissive players, making sure their limits were respected, emotional needs seen to, individuality preserved and orgasm quota met. A mouth full I'd say. The complaints of the bottoms present were heard with the appropriate concern and given offers of emotional support (as well as phone numbers).

Ever the chit stirrer that I am for those that know me, I couldn't resist the urge to raise the question of Tops and their inner issues . Sarcastic suggestions began immediately. The most loudly given was "If you don't like being Dominant or Topping, simply SWITCH." MY if it were only that simple. In fact most experienced SM players do switch, including most self identified Dominants as myself. My view and observations have been that the majority of the players lean strongly towards one role or the other, but given the right situation or circumstances will make some surprising adaptations. I have a strong suspicion, controversial wherever it is voiced, that the insides of most SM people are pretty similar.

So why is there such inequality in the level of support our community offers to bottom space players Vs Dominant counterparts? Some reasons are obvious and make perfect sense. Others are quite the BS answer and grow out of collective denial and ignorance. Let's get out the shovel and do some digging .....shall we .....

The moral basis for BDSM / Ds as a legitimate expression of sexuality rest on these 3 time tested and well known words as the building pillar...Safe,Sane and Consensual. It's old news to many of us; so read on and we'll get threw it quickly more or less painlessly too. Remember that we have more clueless newcomers to contend with everyday here in our cyber world. A place many of us dwell for various reasons. SS&C, the cyber mask, private collection of fact and theory or in chatrooms and postings. Be it what you want or make it, Newbies exist !!

To qualify as a legitimate sexual expression rather than criminal abuse as said, BDSM Ds must be practiced to do no real harm to the players. This is met by rational decision making by ALL parties give strict and honest respect to the letter of a pre-negotiated contract or guidelines. Given these basic agreements the collective concern and sympathy for bottoms are both legitimate and really logical. Since the bottom is on the receiving end of most BDSM activity, his or her safety must be priority. Hoist breaking, whip wraps, ropes cutting circulation..etc...etc

Close and dear to many hearts of BDSM Ds players of all persuasions is the notion that to submit is to become helpless. To Dominate is to become omnipotent as having all the power . Therefore, all responsibilities in a play situation rest on the Dominant player and none on the submissive. While the idea of total surrender is a turn on to all concerned, it doesn't just happen, nor should it. The process of consent is ongoing thru out a session. The very existence of "safe words" and agreed signals indicate that something unacceptable is being done to a bottom player, defines the limits of submission.

Why am I writing all this you say ...
It started from the anger of my Wife not playing at first, then the consent to find a willing sub and her not willing to find any limits, to the needy and ignorant claiming they have NO limits. OHH scary !!! So why is it you say, quite frankly after many times in which every whip used and every form of bondage added were discussed in advance, Why do I hear a certain amount of whining about the discomforts involved ??? Why ?? My short answer is the feeling of being imposed upon is part of the psychosexual thrill of submission and whining about it is part of the fun. From MY Dominant perspective, however, the whining sometimes sounds like "ingratitude" . One of her favorite terms she uses when we disagree. Good Dominants and Tops work hard at learning proper techniques in the use of whips, restraints, hot wax, and all other tools of pleasurable torment. We take pride in hurting "good." An occasional "thank you" would help offset some of those endless complaints about what people will say tomorrow.

Another favorite imaginary characteristic of the theoretical submissive is vulnerability. Since the submissive is the one to whom the session is happening, his or her emotional experience is that much more powerful and immediate. This is underminingly false. Generating bad "juju" for all. In the best sessions, both Tops and bottoms make themselves emotionally naked if you will, revealing their most secret turn ons. The submissive player can displace whatever shame or guilt she may feel over taking pleasure from perverse acts onto the "devil" that made him or her do it. HA !!! The guilt or shame of that "devil" ; well, that's not the submissive player's problem.

Then there is a laughable concept of erotic servitude. Submissives and slaves serve Masters and Mistresses right? Then why is it "I" am the only one doing work? All that rigging and lashing and fiddling around tubes and wires, gizmos, buckles and bells, dropping magnets and cleaning the slippery substances burns a lot of calories, compared with lying or sitting or kneeling this and that way, blindfolded and having multiple orgasms. I have no problem with it, knowing that both partners serve the needs of the other. Try assigning your submissive or slave a TRULY boring task with NO erotic overtones and you'll quickly discover why "slave" labor is so management intensive. The reality is that we are all slaves to our own desires and that's what brings us together.

Punishments and rewards? Fine elements for erotic game playing. The idea that a submissive is being punished for wrongdoing as part of a scene helps prop up those fantasies about helplessness and vulnerability, not to mention exposing the submissive from having any shame over the secret pleasures enjoyed in the process of the session. In fact, I believe, real punishment would be Nonconsensual and no fun at all. BDSM Ds is really all about rewards. A whipping, even if given because of a minor discipline builder, is an erotically stimulating reward. Bondage, whatever the purpose used, is about restraining a body for sexual pleasure, as opposed to preventing escape. Isn't that why we call it "play?."

Thru my eyes, I see the rewards of bottoming as being obvious. Every element of the scene is directly stimulating to that bottom player in some way, shape or form. The rewards of the Top are more abstract. Sure we try to guide our sessions with plenty of creativity and effort, allowing the mental stimulation to curve the actual events. Yet we in many instances experience a sort of reflected pleasure from an awareness of being in tune with the bottom player. Reflected pleasure of what the bottom or submissive is experiencing. I've heard it termed as "bottoming from the Top."

Understanding this at an instinctive level, many bottoms and submissives act as if submitting was a favor of some kind and ought to be enough pleasure and reward for the labor of Domination itself. HA !!! In my opinion again; I beg to differ.
In my opinion again; this may sound rude and half cocked but ...some. Again I say some submissives and bottoms seem less concerned with he pleasures of the Dominant than vise versa. As explained by a Mentor long ago this is what creates the syndrome called and known as "Top Drop." The let down sensation of having given all your time and energy to pleasure another, who then wanders off to smoke or fall asleep with a dreamy expression while you put away and clean the toys. So now what are "we"; whipping machines? LOL

Strangely as a Dominant I've often felt like the instrument to be used for someone else's pleasures and then tossed aside discarded after serving my purpose. Exhales...knowing of the passive, noncontributing "bottomless" bottom turns play into work for the top. Even one of BDSM D/s' holiest rights seems to be applied more to the submissive than Dominant. Rightful concern for the limits of bottoms, make no excuse for the difference in limits of Dominant players. If that makes sense, we as Dominates have the right to say "NO" as well. You'd be surprised at the pressure I've felt in my experience as a Dom. To do things in sessions I didn't feel comfortable with. One of most treasured relationships went up in flames because I wouldn't have sex with a submissive that agreed we wouldn't cross that line. At least at that moment, or another because of not allowing a third person into the scene I didn't like. It was some tortured logic like, "If I excluded her lover, she wouldn't be able to submit to me in good faith anymore. HA !! Clearly this was coercive manipulation. Reverse the roles to make it clear and concise. If I had told her I was bringing in another Dom(me) and that her refusal would develop an unacceptable disobedience, as a result I would abandon her. I would have been a real disappointment as a Dom, wouldn't I? OK Ok Ok I know, enough bitching from me huh? What do I want anyway from all this ...

In a word, Compassion, that which I show to each and every one of my friends, and submissive partners. My need for intimacy and understanding is no less human than their own. If; in my opinion again, we are all alike than different under the skin, whether that skin wears latex, leather or is simply naked, then it shouldn't be too much to expect to get as good as we give. Just put yourself in our boots for a minute and your instincts will tell you what we need. If they don't get it; try asking.

Hopefully all this makes a bit of sense. It's been compiled over a course of a couple weeks. Since I heard of a few founding members of Nubian Nation leaving and stepping down. I too know the feeling of priorities and other commitments. I know the feeling of having to leave a great situation for something that's really not in the goal plan. I will miss them sorely as my Mediator and Director friends. Sometimes we need our voices heard. Sometimes we do indeed ......

Sincerely,
Adomis

A New submissive's Journey

As I think back to the beginning, well, the beginning of my actual research. I realize, much like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I have always known what I would find at the end or shall I say the beginning. Confusing, indeed it is, imagine all these feelings which have been subdued all these years, suddenly coming to the surface. I have been through a range of emotions over the last year. For the most part, I have learned, it was my desire, in the beginning, to learn of the lifestyle. Instead I have learned of my self, my own desires, my own feelings, my own dark side. Where shall I begin...I suppose at the beginning would suffice, but where is the beginning? Where is the beginning of something which always was...which just is...I shall try...

My name, as irrelevant as it seems right now, is servir. This of course is not my given name, but a name made up to reflect my persona. Why sevir you may ask, (it means “to serve” in Spanish). To put it simply, I want to serve, I must serve, I believe in dreams, in miracles if you will...in love. It is my belief that all people have an inner good, no one is evil, not really, it is my belief that if given enough love, even the most wicked of the wicked will show a good side. This belief of course has bought me much pain throughout my life. Many have said, I need to wake up and smell the coffee, and plant both my feet on the ground. Funny, the very same people who have said this to me are the very same ones who come to me when life seems hopeless for a dose of “rose collared me” ::smiling softly::

First and foremost, I am submissive naturally. It has been and is my desire to serve all of my life. It is my desire as a submissive to learn as much as I can about me, about the lifestyle, so that one day, I will be a slave to one Master. This concept has also taken a lot of beatings from skeptics and those who believe this lifestyle should be lived in a different manner.

As far back as I can remember, I have had fantasies of being bound and helpless. As all little girls have had, I dreamt of a knight in shining armor to come and take me away a prince to come and steal me and take me to his castle. The difference was/is my prince is dark, dangerous, the castle a dungeon...*smile* a new twist to the standard fairy tales. I remember always being secretly infatuated with Dracula, although he frightened me to death, there was something sensual about him. I also remember reading books which dated back to the civil war, an era when men were solely “in charge” or so it seemed. Remember Jane Ere? Yes, that was definitely one of my favorites, the prim and proper Jane with the moody, dark strange Master of the house..hmmm, just gives me goose bumps.

Of course all of this is just fantasy, but does lend a bit of insight into me, my head if you will. Now I will not bore you with all of the websites I have read, all of the books, the wannabes I have met, the predators I have run screaming from. For these things were all a part of learning and growing. You must understand though, I have met many Doms, online, one or two maybe off, only a few which sparked my interest, only one I would consider meeting. I will not spend too much time trying to convince you of the realness of my feelings, for they are mine and mine alone, but he intrigued me from the moment I met him. This submissive, who is usually shy, withdrawn, and never makes “the first move” let this Dominant know, she was very interested in him and wanted to get to know him much better. This as they say, was the beginning, not the beginning of my submission I have already stated that began so long ago, but the beginning of the realization of what it is to submit to a man. A Dominant man. The thing I did not know is how intense these new feelings would be, so much different from "vanilla love," vanilla relationships and desires.

You see, I am what is called in D/s terms, a brat, a spoiled female use to getting her own way. Let me rephrase that, I was a brat ... now, I am simply a submissive, seeking to learn and serve. I have learned, a submissive does not demand from her Dominant or Master. She waits patiently to see where she may serve him best. Sometimes, that means leaving him alone, sometimes, that even means, letting him go. This realization is a painful one, a lesson I have learned all to well this early in my journey. So now, I wait. To see where we will go if anywhere, to see if I am all he needs or does he need more. I wait, patiently and lovingly, knowing he knows what is best for us both, knowing, he will make the decision with not only his needs in mind but mine as well.

Still, it is difficult, having all of these new feelings. Learning to put what I want on a shelf and leaving my life decisions in the hands of another. It seems foolish to some, those who have never felt the need and desire to submit to a Dominant, those who live their lives in the *I* mode, yet in many ways it is comforting. Knowing the decision is not mine to make but someone else in whom I trust with my life if need be. I often wonder if he knows how I am feeling, if he knows how difficult this waiting is, the wondering...if he will choose me. Then as quickly as I wonder, I know, of course he knows, for he knows me. This time of waiting is more than that, it is a time of learning, a time of preparation, for whomever is chosen, must be prepared to serve.

Another milestone for me which I know all of the newbies and novices will understand, is the feeling of not being as informed and experienced as the more “seasoned” submissives. Not knowing when to challenge, not knowing when to be seductive, when to just be ... this is another lesson learned which I will share.

First of all, you are you, your gift of submission is not less than another, no matter what the length of time they or you have been in the lifestyle. Submission comes from the heart, the depths of your soul. A Dominant who chooses a submissive solely on her/his ability to be seductive or make up sexy stories etc. is choosing for the wrong reason(s) and you are lucky to be done with him/her. i use the references to he/she and him/her because many in this lifestyle are not in traditional Male/female relationships and the needs of our brothers in submission and Dommes are not any less than we sisters and Dominants. This submissive is speaking from her own knowledge base and sexual orientation which is as a submissive female to a
Dominant male.

Which brings me to the *S* word ::soft smile:: S. E. X. as you follow my journey, you will find, I jump from one subject to another, I have a very active mind, and remember as you read my words, they started out as my private journal, so as disorganized as they may seem they are my thoughts and feelings which I have chosen to share with you. Now, with that said, SEX...My goodness, how many times have I heard that D/s has nothing to do with sex. It is all about the “mind” granted to a degree this is true, but so is sex. To say that BDSM or D/s has nothing to do with sex is plain and simple, well, I will not use the word for I know Sir would be displeased with me using such a word but you all know what I am saying...True a "real" Dominant can “sex” your mind without ever laying a hand on you. The thing is, it does not matter whether or not I am with a Dominant, I am submissive. These feelings are mine to grow from, to enjoy, and in time, to experience. I have learned how to feel, beyond a man's hand, beyond penetration.

“One cannot remain a novice forever” hmm, "novice" Webster says a novice is “1. A beginner 2. One who has entered a religious order but has not yet taken the final vows.” Interesting is it not? I suppose a novice submissive is one who is a beginner, but has not yet been collared, bound or owned? I will have to think about that one, but for now, I shall bid you Godspeed. Remember online and off the key is to be Safe, Sane and if it is not Consensual then it is abuse.

1. When did you first discover your dominant nature?
When discussing sexual interests with a friend. She intimated that I'd be a good Dom.

2. How did you come to embrace the BDSM lifestyle formally?
My fiancée and I are quite open with one another sexually and we began to explore BDSM play together.

3. What qualities do you look for in a Dom/sub? Why?
Really, I don't look for anything that I wouldn't look for in mate when looking for a sub. I want someone honest, trustworthy, who can give and receive with equal ease. Oh, and she has to look good in a corset.

4. How does your Dominance/submission express itself in your daily life?
I'm probably a little more willing to step forward in unfamiliar situations. In the past I read situations a little more before attempting to take charge. Which in hindsight always seemed silly.... because I usually got annoyed with everyone else doing things differently than I would and I took charge anyway. LOL

5. What has brought you to the Nubian Kings Community?
In my desire to explore BDSM I hoped to find others of color who could offer insight and direction. I'm not sure what the current member tally is but of course I'd like to see that number grow exponentially. I recently attended my first BDSM social but I was disappointed with the relatively small number of Nubians in attendance. I would hope that the Nubian Kings Community could begin to organize monthly socials on a city-by-city basis.

6. In your opinion, what influence has the Internet had on the BDSM community?
I'm a bit new to the Internet BDSM community to accurately comment on this one. I'd think that it has led to a greater exchange of information amongst those enjoying the lifestyle. And lord knows folks are "connecting" for offline fun as well. LOL

7. What would you personally like to see happen, in terms of improving the online BDSM community as a whole?
In my very limited time as a part of the online BDSM community the only negative things I've encountered are non-BDSM cruising the chats and newsgroups spreading venom & a few folks have suffered from a bit of jealousy (Which when you think about it doesn't exactly endear you to someone who is looking for a relationship based on trust). I'd like to see both of these things disappear from the community.

8. Would you consider pursuing a serious relationship started online? Why/why not?
Well, this is the easiest question of all. I met my fiancée online..So that'd be a big YES!!!!!

9. What is your life like outside the BDSM community?
Pretty vanilla. When I'm not being a father I spend too much time online. But my new BDSM acquaintances are getting me out of the house a little more often. :-)

10. Why did you consent to do this interview?
Consent?? You mean I had a choice???

Optional Questions...
What aspect of BDSM do you most closely identify with?
The emotional depths explored during play. Giving oneself completely to another...the level of trust involved is immeasurable.

What is your favorite toy?
Can I answer 'my sub'??? No??? ...Hmm ..Then I'd have to say my riding crop.

What would you like your legacy to the BDSM community-at-large to be?
Goodness ...this one is like those questions at the end of the Miss American Pageant. ::chuckle:: I'd like to be able to contribute in some fashion to the growth of Nubian Kings on a National scale. Every other group has a convention...why not us?

What do you appreciate most about those who have prepared the way for us to enjoy the lifestyle today?
Well, they've certainly put more than enough information out there for us novices to study and learn.

How has D/s changed your life?
This is the first time in ages that I've willingly participated in a group/organization. I normally move through life independently. The change has been an enjoyable one.

1. When did you first discover your submissive nature?
My submissive nature has always been within me. As I was raised with an old fashioned mother and father. The man of the house always had the upper hand in our family. To serve and support any man in our family was the woman's job. I have always been submissive in my vanilla relationships without a problem. I always felt that I was doing wrong or this feeling was wrong. My girlfriends would bug me about the way I was but it never made me turn back on it. I just kept my feelings to myself.

2. How did you come to embrace the BDSM lifestyle formally?
I was formally introduced to the lifestyle by a man that I was involved with. He proclaimed he was in the lifestyle and was a Dom. He introduced me to an online sub that was going to be my mentor. She terrified me with what she thought was being a good mentor. I kept going to every sub room I saw. I didn't feel comfortable in them. Then, I found the BlackDom room. There I met three beautiful people that have given me knowledge since. My first mentor and protector NCDom863. My two beautiful submissive sisters IBOWTWOTHE and M'Lady Quyitstorm, who is now my mentor and good friend. :)

3. What qualities do you look for in a Dom/sub?
A person who I can communicate with so much that I can tell him what my fantasies and fears are. I would also like for him to do the same with me. A Dom who is caring, loving, honest, respectful, educated, goal orientated, trustful, faithful, and not lazy. I also want him to be a strict and forceful Dom. I would like him to push me to my limits and beyond in a caring way. It would be nice if he would be interested in some S&M play. I am curious and open to explore light S&M.

4. How does your submission express itself in your daily life?
My submissive side is expressed everyday at work and home. I work in the medical field and I am always serving people any way I can. I hear and see many different cases and still do not treat anyone differently. What I do enjoy doing, even when I am died beat tired is coming home to my dear sweet child and serving her in all that she needs. Just to see her grow and blossom is all I need to brighten my days and nights.

5. What has brought you to the Nubian Kings Community?
Well, my reason for attending was because my mentor at the time was going there. I enjoyed it and decided after he was not going to keep going for myself. My other reason for attending the meetings was because with every discussion they had I gained more and more knowledge. I always met new people. That is where I met my present mentor, who has given me so much knowledge. She is very close to the Nubian kings as well as the editor of the newsletter. She has had a big impact on my life. She does not know this but after reading this she will. lol

6. In what direction would you like to see the community go?
As well as the Nubian Kings Council, it would be nice for the Nubian Queens to have one as well. LadyQuyitstorm1 was forming one but we all need to put in our efforts as well. We as women and subs need to talk and exchange ideas and thoughts. I would like for the community to have an offline social event. It would be nice to meet the people in the room face to face.

7. In your opinion, what influence has the Internet had on the BDSM community?
In my opinion it has helped people that feel that they are the only ones out there feeling their nature to be something to be kept, so called, "in the closet" to feel alive. In seeing that there are people that feel the same and have fetishes like them. We do not have to feel ashamed of what we are.

8. Would you consider pursuing a serious D/s relationship started online? Why/why not?
I would consider pursing a serious relationship started online because this gives me a chance to meet and get to know the man, that he is before I get to know the Dom that he is. That is when real time comes into the picture and that takes time.

9. What is your life like outside the BDSM community?
I am a self sufficient woman, very independent. I am shy, sweet and I think am sexy, romantic and loving. I Am kind and honest to my family and friends. I love my baby girl, I am very into taking her out and enjoying my days off with her.

10. Why did you consent to do this interview?
Well, I decided to do this interview because M'Lady said so..lol!
No, only playing. I did this because this is a way that the Nubian community can get to know who Jentel is. Somewhat share my thoughts with you. I also did this to show myself that I can be open and not shy all the time.

11. Would you mind sharing with us the nature of your particular kink?
Well, my two favorite kinks are pulling of my hair and spankings. Because I have long hair and like feeling the sensations of brushing it. I've always wondered how it would feel for someone to pull my hair while "hitting me from the back"! As well as it being pulled to get a kiss from me. That is such a turn on for me. The spanking part came to me while playing bad kid and good parent with other children in my neighborhood.

12. How has D/s changed your life?
D/s has changed my lifestyle in a positive way. Being more open minded then ever. As I said, before that I was shy and quiet but now I am more out spoken. Even in my other language, Spanish. I am more sociable and open to meet new people. I am still quiet and private. This is something that I would change only with my Dom. My friends that have know me for years have told me that I am more of a freak then I was before. Still, all in all I have much to learn while waiting to be found by Him.