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APRIL 1999 ISSUE Black
Doms Greetings
Sirs and Ladies: In
The Courts - BDSM Net Links BDSM
In A Nubian World The
KingDom Err
on the side of caution and encourage your submissive to give you
feedback (a word or gesture to let you know if s/he can take more
or needs you to lighten your touch). Release
Training
Why Do Such Training? In a word: Control. The dominant/submissive relationship is based upon a power exchange and there are few things a submissive can surrender that are more intimate than their sexual release. Assuming that the submissive is already capable of achieving orgasm, accepting control of and exercising wisely that aspect of their life can add a depth to the relationship that is difficult to comprehend. In surrendering this control, the submissive becomes keenly aware of just how much his or her body belongs to their dominant. They can no longer take for granted that their orgasm will be the natural climax of a sexual encounter. Fulfillment is now at the discretion of their owner who can permit, delay, or deny as they see fit. Masturbation is no longer something that the submissive can do whenever the mood strikes them. Now they must receive permission to feel those sensations. Their sexuality is completely within the hands of the one to whom they have given over this control and they can never know when they may be instructed to offer themselves for their dominant's pleasure. Issue One - Delayed Orgasm Teaching a submissive to hold back their orgasm until given permission to do so is a common practice in this lifestyle. It is also a relatively easy process, provided the submissive does not have preexisting problems with controlling their orgasm, such as premature ejaculation in men or a woman who is pre-orgasmic (a sexually mature woman who has not yet been able to achieve orgasm during sexual encounters or masturbation). If such difficulties do exist, seek qualified assistance from a therapist who specializes in these issues. Training begins with negotiation. Since the dominant will be asking the submissive to surrender control of a very intimate aspect of their life, he or she may have concerns about what exactly will be expected of them. Discuss the matter openly and candidly. If you can come to an agreement, you can move on to the training. A word to the dominant: Before you begin such training, you must be familiar with your submissive's sexual response. You have to know the signs of impending climax--the physical changes in their body, their breathing, the sounds they make. Each person is different and until you are able to recognize their specific responses, you have little hope of successfully training them to control their release. A word to the submissive: Your dominant is not a mind-reader. He or she relies heavily on you to let them know when you are nearing orgasm. Your response is unique to you, so at first they may need your help in learning your body. Tell them when you are close to the point of no return. If you are uncomfortable vocalizing during sex, arrange some sign before hand: some sort of signal that means, "I'm about to plunge over the edge!" After a few sessions, they will be able to pick up on those signs. Let the Training Begin! From the very outset, give the submissive instructions that they cannot release until they have asked permission to do so. In the beginning, remind them of this before every sexual encounter. As they progress in training, you will no longer need to remind them--they will come to accept this as a given. Each time you engage in your regular sexual activity, watch for signs that they are approaching climax. If you see that they are getting very close but have not yet asked permission, you may wish to provide a verbal reminder. In the beginning, you should reward them immediately by allowing them to release. This is critical: it teaches them an association between asking permission and the pleasurable sensations of climax. With each success, let them know that you are pleased and proud of their accomplishment. Tell them during their release. Tell them afterwards in your post-scene discussions. They need to know you approve. Over time you can gradually introduce a delay between their request and your granting permission. It is important not to set them up for failure, expecting an unreasonable delay right off. This means only several seconds in the beginning. If you expect too much too soon, they are going to be unable to hold off and end up feeling like they have disappointed you. In a nutshell, the principles are simple: reward immediately and often in the beginning, tapering off gradually until they have learned to control their release to the degree you desire. You can help them by understanding how their body reacts as it climbs to orgasm. With a male, one sign of impending orgasm is that their testicles will draw up tightly to their body. Biological fact: a man cannot achieve orgasm unless his testicles have done this, so you can use this knowledge to delay orgasm by gently pulling them away from his body by grasping the scrotum (sack) between your thumb and forefinger and tugging. With a woman, decreasing the intensity of the stimulation, particularly to the clitoris, can help them delay their release. Shift your attention elsewhere for a few moments to bring her back from the edge. Be consistent. Until your submissive has mastered the level of control you wish, wavering back and forth in your expectations will likely sabotage the training. Don't lose site of one very important factor: the goal of orgasm control is to enhance the pleasure for both of you. A careless attitude or unrealistic expectations by the dominant in this training can end up taking all of the fun out of the sexual encounter. Submissives want to please their dominant--.help them do that by not setting them up for failure. Issue Two - Orgasm On Demand The Holy Grail of sexual control. And like the mythical chalice sought by the Crusaders, it is almost as elusive. Training someone to release purely on verbal command is a goal many have tried, but few have achieved. Why is it so difficult? Partly due to biology, partly due to individual differences in the human sexual response, and very much due to ineffective training. Teaching a submissive to release on demand takes a well thought out approach and patience. It requires of the dominant a good understanding of the principles of classical conditioning. Remember Pavlov's dog experiments from your freshman Introduction to Psychology class? It is also much more difficult to train a male to achieve this than it is a female due to our biological differences. Ringing The Bell Like teaching your submissive to delay his or her release, the key to this type of training is the immediate reinforcement (giving permission) of a response (asking for permission). This increases the likelihood that the same behavior will occur again. Once the behavior is learned, we can (in fact, must) decrease the frequency of reward. This strengthens the likelihood that the behavior will continue. Think about how we do that in the delay training. We first set up the conditions: You must ask permission to release. We then immediately allow them to have their orgasm (reward) when they ask permission. Over time, we introduce a delay between the request and the granting (and may, at times, deny release altogether). Unlike the technique described above, however, we must also train them to associate their orgasm with something other than genital stimulation. This is your greatest challenge. We accomplish this by pairing a single word with the moment of their release. This word needs to be something that would not come up in normal conversation, otherwise, the effect is lost. Every time they release after asking (and receiving) permission, you say this word just as their body explodes in orgasm. Why? To train them that the word you have chosen equals sexual release. Over many sessions (we may be talking about a very long time in some instances--everyone is different), you start replacing your permission to climax with this word. When they ask for permission, instead of saying "yes," you say the word you've chosen. Since they have already learned that this word is equal to permission, they will allow themselves to plunge over the edge into ecstasy. The next step, once you're sure that they've learned this association between asking permission and "the word," is to start giving the release command before they've had a chance to ask for it, very close to the point where they would normally have requested permission. This signals to them that it is time to climax because it is what you desire them to do: right now. Keep in mind that at first they will still need physical stimulation and to be very close to orgasm for this to work. As you progress, you will need to decrease the amount of stimulation to the genitals while still maintaining a very high state of arousal, using your word to signal to them when you desire their surrender. In any situation, it is unreasonable to expect your submissive to release at all by verbal command without them being sexually aroused. If you're very good at what you do, you can mentally stimulate them to that point with your words alone. This skill, in fact, is necessary if you ever hope to train your submissive to climax on verbal command. In time, if all the stars align just right and you have trained them correctly, you may be able to reach a point where they can achieve orgasm without any direct physical contact and in response to your command to do so. Even if you do not achieve that level of training, I would hope you had a very good time trying. A word of caution: If your submissive fails to make progress in this training, the most likely cause lies with the dominant's ineffective technique, not the submissive. It also may well be that the submissive simply cannot achieve this very advanced level of conditioning, due to his or her unique sexual response. If you find that this isn't working out for you, give it up and find something else pleasurable to do. There is no sense in making your sexual encounters a chore or a time the sub dreads because they know they are going to displease you by not being able to give what it is that you desire. There are plenty of other wonderful activities out there that can be just as fulfilling. Conclusion If you decide that this sort of power exchange is something that you would like to incorporate into your relationship, understand that the dominant is taking on a very big responsibility: absolute control over your submissive's sexual satisfaction. Use this power wisely. We all have a basic human need for sexual fulfillment. Successful long-term relationships are very much rooted in the mutual satisfaction of these needs. Take care of your submissive--if they are not sexually satisfied, there is little chance they will hang around for very long. Ensure their needs are met as well as yours. Copyright©
1998 by Lord Colm Breast
Bondage - A Beginner's Guide CREATING
YOUR FIRST SCENE
Welcome To EBONY POWER EXCHANGE By: subbSHRINK It is often heard that a submissive must be "strong" to offer her submission. For quite a while, I nodded complacently hearing this, for after all, I don't think of myself as an emotional lightweight. It seemed self-evident; yet I gave hardly a thought to what it might mean. Lately
though, having been through a D/s heartbreak myself, and having
watched Are subs more vulnerable to heartbreak in D/s relationships than most people are in vanilla ones? Is the pain deeper, sharper, more damaging than otherwise? I think there are special rates for D/s rooms in the Heartbreak Hotel. What is it about D/s relationships that might account for this? Let's think together about the nature of submission. A genuine submissive finds her deepest satisfaction in pleasing her Dom. I have heard it said many times, "The look of disappointment on His face was worse than any punishment I could get." A sub is exquisitely sensitive to any hint that she may find wanting in her Dom's eyes; it is what makes her submissive. So when a relationship hits the rocks, and perhaps founders, the sub is left to struggle with the idea that she has REALLY displeased her Dom. And, the sub suffers for this. If she has somehow managed to misread her Dom, (face it, they are not ALL wonderful) she must come to terms with having made a bad choice. It is almost as if she must wrench her head out of the sub basement. For part of her is still monitoring and evaluating their interactions with a sight set on pleasing Him!
Finally, there is possession. Many subs are considered "possessions" or "property" of their Doms. This possession is indicated online by many of the subs screen names: Jack'sgirl, for example, or Mistresssub. This expresses the (more or less conscious) idea that the center of her Self is her possession by her Master. Now clearly, we all have lives apart from our Doms, but that special "giving over" seems to come from the center for many of us. When that is gone, as in when we are released, or heaven forbid, our partners die, I believe there is a disorientation that suggests we have been disturbed in our very senses of self. My Dom and I had gone through some hard times a while back. We struck an impasse in our relationship that resulted in me engineering my release. I remember, amongst all the complex emotions of that time, a feeling of being lost. Of suddenly being adrift without my anchor, an eerie feeling of NOT KNOWING WHO I WAS. It was frightening! For someone who has spent a lifetime professionally and personally following the dictate, "Know thyself." Who has guarded her psychologic, and emotional independence with a fierce determination. I did not know who I was! Do these feelings occur in vanilla relationships? Of course they do. I believe they do, only to the extent that they mirror the dynamics of a D/s relationship. When vanilla relationship is made of incredible trust, an intense desire to please, and a giving of the essence of the inner self. These are the ingredients of the D/s bond and they bring the soaring heights of pleasure, the deepest levels of communion, and the greatest depths of hell. No wonder a submissive must be "strong." The D/s suite in the Heartbreak Hotel is not for the faint of heart.
Sarabande
Home Page Submissive
Males "Online male subs get a real bashing, and in r/t a lot of them are frustrated by nonplaying spouses, wannabe ProDommes that are out for a fast buck and other obstacles. A lot of them have unrealistic expectations based on fiction. They really need to be nurtured by the online and r/t communities." "The male Dom still has to court the female sub. The Domme has so many suitors she can cull the ranks, so to speak. Malesubs long for it so much they can make poor choices." "The ratio of malesubs to Dommes is so great is hard for a Domme to sign online and not be buried immediately in IMs and many malesubs are crude and desperate in their dialogue. That is why they get ignored. A Domme doesn't want a big ball of need...she wants a person." "For malesubs, the D/s thing is primarily a sex thing, and we know how men are about sex. For female subs there are a whole lot more emotions wrapped up in the whole thing and their problems are of an entirely different nature." "Many of the malesubs I have talked to find the ProDomme experience to be empty. They need the emotional bond with their Domme to complete the experience." Q: Do malesubs come in for more than their share of abuse? "Too many wannabe Dommes are either reading the trash porno for models, or are angry women. Also, we don't bother to negotiate really well, we are not the great communicators." Finally, the group affirmed that malesubs, just as all of us, must be honest, open, willing to communicate, state limits, and be truly submissive when the relationship is right! Malesubs, no less than femsubs need to think about safety concerns, have safecalls, and practice safer sex. We need to look out for each other as a community, across preferences... whether male or female sub, switch or Dominant. Char's
Chateau - Home of the Humbler
GET
CONNECTED Imagine
a BDSM vacation -- sun, swimming pools, and dungeons; free time
to relax, lounge around and torment your submissive endlessly.
Like other With
the blessing of The Black Rose, Community Ties will host the sequel
to Leather Retreat '98. Already,
9 major BDSM educational groups are participating in Leather Retreat
including: The Black Rose, The Eulenspeigel Society, Lesbian Sex
Mafia, The Phoenix Society, Knot For Everyone, The Boston Dungeon
Society, ROPE, DELTA and CUFFS. This promises to be a very diverse
and exciting This
intimate getaway will take place June 11 - 14 and will be limited
to approx. 350 players. While we have lectures and demos, this
is primarily a play event where we encourage you to let go and
have fun. There are a myriad of wonderful facilities and activities
to enjoy
by My
Writer Buddy Free Correspondence Club for Writers |
